Friday, June 24, 2011

Just Because We Are Quiet...

Doesn't mean we aren't busy.

More soon.

End transmission....

Friday, September 24, 2010

If You Must...


If you must contact Big Menace Industries due to a problem with one of our products* or interest in purchasing one of our products please send an Electronic Mail to . Our lead customer service representative, Generalissimo Stevens (pictured) will be delighted to assist you.


Big Menace PR Team

*A product suddenly displaying malevolent behavior is not considered a problem by Big Menace Industries.

Friday, September 3, 2010


Big Menace Industries presents an editorial piece by Professor Laser.

Hello cretins,

I, Professor Laser, have taken a minute to share with you my secret to success. I expect you all to be super-impressed by what I have to say. If you find yourself to be too amazed, simply take a moment to think about something comforting, like a Twinkie or a Two and a Half Men marathon.

Let's cut right to it: Dedication... correction, unyielding dedication, is the secret to success here at Big Menace Industries. I represent the pinnacle of dedication as can clearly be seen in my augmentations. What may appear to you as a fishbowl filled with cotton candy is actually an incredibly advanced improvement to human anatomy. After mounds of exhaustive studies to improve the way the mind absorbs and retains information and after many, many casualties I was at a dead end. It became clear that the problem with my experiments wasn't the experiment itself so much as the subject. After I created a brief set of "In Case of Catastrophic Results" instructions for my Human/Crab/Robot hybrid assistant, I began the procedure. Now, I possess a brain capable of driectly downloading information via something I call the "SmartPort". My assistant calls it the "Brain Nipple" but that's because he's an idiot. Because of my dedication to the cause most of you, the employees here at Big Menace, will be outfitted with such a device so that you may learn your mundane skills faster.*

Good things really do come from dedication.

This ends the transmission.

--Big Menace Industries Moral Initiative

*Big Menace Industries and it's science division Big Menace Laboratories are unaware of "Head Explosion And Destruction Syndrome" (HEADS) or any other unknown side effects of installation of a "SmartPort".

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Please Disregard the News


Recently major news networks have reported on something they are dubbing "A massive disregard for safety regulations resulting in one of the worst technology-driven disasters in Earth's history". We want to clear the air and state that this report is not true. "Project AMDFSRRIOOTWTDDIEH" is not ready to go online for some time.

A worker in one of our manufacturing plants in ************ simply experienced an unusually intense reaction to news that he may be decommissioned. We usually wait until Friday to inform an employee of their termination but saw fit to execute early due to the company picnic this week. To make ammends, we have allowed Worker #8164NG9-41 to issue a statement.


To conclude this bulletin-- It has been decided that each employee will be allowed to bring zero (0) guests to the picnic this Friday. We feel that is plenty.

-- Big Menace Management

Monday, August 30, 2010

Website Live Soon


We are delighted to announce we have taken steps to restructure our IT team. The website will be up and running very soon lest we require more swift action. We apologize (reluctantly) to those waiting for our products to return. IT work is a level of magic even our Archmages don't understand.

More on this soon.

Also, we are currently hiring Sacrificial Lambs for our Home Furnishings department. A list of job requirements will be posted shortly.

--Big Menace PR Team

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Our Accounting Department is no longer Recruiting


Our VP of Accounting, Captain DoomCurtains, has informed us that we are no longer recruiting for the accounting department. He has made it perfectly clear that the few accountants we have are up to the task and are responding well to the reinforcement of that notion. We will let the public know if any more positions suddenly open up due to resignations, terminations, or... other possible outcomes.

--Big Menace Industries PR Team on the behalf of Captain DoomCurtains

Big Menace Industries

We here at Big Menace Industries are working tirelessly every day to bring unavailing families around the world a range of products in an attempt to alleviate stupefaction, indolence, and unseemliness. No matter how insurmountable our task appears, we are dedicated to achieving our goal with the tenacity of a widened hand grasping at the last chip in the chip-tube!

That being said, it appears even we are not immune to the bungles of society's pencil-pushing simpletons. While pushing a pencil is within the realm of their capabilities it would seem pushing a button is a Herculean task. As we anticipate the ignition of our website we will have to make-do with this blog.

For now gaze upon our products, glorious as they are, and we will feverishly attempt to harness the internet in dastardly and superior ways.

BM out.

-- Big Menace Industries PR Team